Blah, Blah, Blah!!!!!!!!!!!!(Shut up Debbie)

Last night I wrote myself a fifteen page letter. I really pondered my life and thing's that have come about in my life, I am sad for so many reason's, but glad for so many.
I read so many blogs about true love, best friend's all their marriage, and I wonder what I have done wrong or maybe two people just cant make it no matter how hard they try.
I have tried very hard for so long that I dont care anymore about my so called marriage. The hurt just will not go away, and my husband will not give an inch, he will not get counseling, he blames me for all of our problem's(My PMS he say's) I have gotten counseling many time's and have to take an anti-depressant. My doctor's and counselor's all tell me I should leave my husband. What is wrong with me? I am so insecure, that now I have wasted my youth and the children are grown, except my handicapped boy's.I feel I have nothing. I have tried to not post such depressing post's, but tonight I am heart broke about my life decision's. Where do I go from here. I have an Attorney appt. Monday to get the divorce started.
Two tray's both unique but very different.
Two light fixture's showing light in different way's.
Two room's same layout but very different.
Life is bitter sweet for me today, I am so sorry for my down day.
I see so many beautiful blog's and I feel so uncapable to keep up or even be interesting, I have felt like this all of my entire married life. If I tried real hard it seemed to be shot down real quik. I am a lost soul. I know we need to part it's just such a feeling of failure on my part. Maybe this, maybe that, oh I dont know. We have alway's disagreed on everthing and he has alway's been the boss because I allowed it. He has said and done such mean thing's to me that I really am numb. Every time I get away from him, he come's begging back but it only take's a couple of week's and it is the same old nonesense. I am old now and my life is too short to be so upset all the time from his horrible remark's or comment's. Please forgive me for being a major downer!!This is the time in my life where my bounty should be full.Maybe if I had been more dressed like a lady, never swear, alway's have dinner prepared on time each evening. I was too busy taking trash to the dump, mowing lawn's,scrapping snow off the walk's, starting my own vehicle in below temperatures to provide a living for my family as my husband's work was and is so sparatic. He has a dergree in electronic engineering and wont use it because he cant spell (what a cop out) if I tried that one it wouldnt go to far. I wish I had a degree in somethig, now I will be 48 and no experience at any thing but people pleasing. Oh blah blah blah, I will shut up. Please forgive me!!!!


  1. You never ever need to ask for forgiveness when you are down. I think that is why I started to blog, a way to get things out when there may not be another way. Think of this as a new chapter in your life..a new beginning and all the things that you have to look forward to. You seem to have been doing for yourself quite nicely over the years, keep it up, it will take you a long ways to independence. You are going to have sad times, but you can lean on the people who care about you the most. Lean on all the good times with your children and other family. And us, your blogger friends...there is a lot of us out there who understand what you are going through one way or the other. Take care, Cathy

  2. I know there is not much to say that will ease your sadness, but I am praying for you~ that you will discover the light inside yourself and blaze into your future with a whole heart secure in the knowledge that you are loved.

    Lay your worries down at night and in the morning pick up only the ones you can affect in a positive way.

  3. First of all what he has done to you is unforgivable. You are a beautiful person and deserve to be loved unconditionally. DO NOT let him get to you again. Go for that divorice and make him pay for your living expenses. You will be taking care of your beautiful boys. Once you are away from him you can re-evaluate your life. Easier to do once you are away from him. Verbal abuse is sometime worse then if he would hit you. He has taken all your pride and selfworth. But you can get that back with help. 48 is not old. Look at the things you have done without his help. YOU supported this family. YOU can support yourself and your boys. Please once you are away from him DO NOT let him talk himself back into your life. He is just a user and not a very grateful one at that. He should worship you. It will take time but soon the clouds will go away and you will see sunny skies again. I am giving you a big cyber hug. I care about you and will pray that everything will sort it's self out soon. You are taking a big step monday by seeing the attorney. Please keep this appointment. You do have many friends here that care about you. Hugs, Teresa

  4. What a beautiful blog!!!
    I just loved your site!
    Thanks for the follow ,I am now following you back!:)
    Have a great weekend!

  5. Do we have the same husband? My goodness I'm sorry for laughing but I have this tendency of laughing when I'm hurt or something is really hard to take in.

    My husband can't spell either, has a learning disability.

    Everything,,and I mean everything you wrote in this post I SO connected precious sister..I've been there, a MILLION times the last 26 years my husband and I have been together.

    On my blog there is a pic of hubby and I. the title above states,,Miracle Couple..for that is what we's a miracle we are together, a miracle that one of us is not dead and the other in jail for murdering the other...You can seriously ask anyone close by us (our neighbors would testify, lol. blush blush) my family would testify)..a MIRACLE..

    I just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you. I've gone to the lawyers MANY times myself, started the process MANY times...I'm still here though, but God's grace....

    I can say God HAS performed a miracle. Not only on me, but my husband....These last 19 months with him out of work, and home 24/7 (helllooooo, that is a miracle that I haven't lost it with him under my feet all day) God has transformed our marriage in a way that I can't even begin to describe. I am in awe!

    I just want you to know I'm here for you. I know the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the heart ache of living for years and years in a broken dysfunctional and sick marriage.

    Last night I watched Notebook for the first time and bawled. I prayed that I would have the same emotions and love for my husband that this couple had for one another. I'm still a work in progress and have a lot to have healed in my heart in this love love, passionate love is one of them..


  6. Well it sure looks to me like you have taken the first step. I am sure it is scarey but I know you can do it. You see once you get so low you then and only then you can see the light. Be proud of yourself. The things in like you think you will miss is only stuff that we clutter our lives with. This for you is like eating an elephant one bite at a time. I will pray for you to have courage to stand up for yourself. You are a Good Person and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Bravo for you.

  7. Dearest Deb,
    Sounds like you have a degree in LIFE and getting things DONE!!! That is huge! You sounded much happier that week you went back to church... sounds like the problem is a "God shaped hole" in your spirit- focus on your spiritual life and all of the blessings that you do have and your relationship with our Loving Father and things will start to feel better in your heart. You nourish so many people but don't take time to refill YOUR well. And don't forget, without all of our "challenges" we would never be able to see all our Beauty!
    So chin up sweet friend, say a re-hello to your knees and you will see things turn around....oh, and Ice cream helps too!
    Sending you more Sparkly Hugs,
    Tobi and the Pixies!

  8. You don't need to subjugate yourself to chauvanism!

    Watching other people's happiness is really hard, I see it all the time - but as you said, you're glad in so many other wys and that is all that matters right? :)

    Thanks for the follow and comment xxx

  9. Hi Debbie, I don't know you very well as I have just started following your blog, but my heart goes out to you. I sit here with tears in my eyes after reading your post, because nobody should have to feel the way that you dox I have had alot of traumas in my life and do you know what I do? Well for every bad day I have, I try to do something that makes me happy, even it is just something small, just a little something to make me smile, even for a moment, because I believe in that if you can get a little balance of good and bad, then it will help you to slowly heal. I'm am so sorry that you feel bad, but please remember that you are a beautiful person and believe it because you are!!!! and try to remember all the good things that you do have. I am here for you if you need a friend and I will be thinking of you and willing you to feel better. Karenxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx(((((((hugs))))))))))))

  10. So sorry...I know you are trying and that you love him...but some people can not see the hurt they put on other people. I will keep you in my prayers.

  11. Oh dear...

    Thank you for following and reading my blog...

    You seem like a great lady... I knew a little boy with Duschene MD... he was the official ambassador for Jerry Lewis Telethon once... he was such an inspiration...

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way..

    Know that things will get better... and you are going to be happy again...

  12. You aren't a downer! I completely understand where you're coming from. I've been feeling the same way lately, and I don't know what it is that I need to snap out of it. People keep offering the same advice, to just make the best of what I have, but that just doesn't sound good enough any more. It's a very confusing time, but you aren't alone.

  13. Hey Debbie, I have been going through a divorce for 2.5 years. I think it's almost done. I just wanted to say that in time things will get better. You can't imagine it now but things will turn. First off you need to love and invest in yourself. After all, the best revenge is living well... which isn't really revenge at all. I'd sometimes felt that I'd wasted my youth too but really that's giving a lot of importance to years of our life when we're inexperienced. You have just as much to offer now if not more. You have a lovely blog and clearly lot's of people who are interested in reading what you have to say.
    Keep you chin up, remember how special you are and this too shall pass. xo Erica

  14. Good morning......Don't apologize about your post today. Sometimes we just need to get things off our shoulders and vent. Blogland is a safe place to do that without being judged.

    Take whatever steps you feel necessary to improve your life. I'm praying for you.


  15. Thankyou for being brave enough to write such a heart~felt post... You say out loud the words that many of us have stuck in our throats... i know those feelings you express and i cry the same tears... i too am looking for the bravery i know lies deep within me... It is there for both of us i know it, one dear step at a time and we will step into all that our lives are meant to be now... Don't have regrets, life has been as it should have been and it is never too late to step into our hearts desire, the timing is perfect in more ways than you or i could possibly imagine... Keep the Faith, in Yourself (((hugs)))

  16. I'm so sorry that life is so hard right now... I am sure you have been the glue holding everything together, but if someone tells you things are all your fault, after awhile you start to believe it. I have watched divorce first hand in my immediate family...and while it was very difficult, 2 years out things are much better. I am glad that you are going to counseling to work out your problems and to have support, even if your husband will not go. He will not go because he doesn't want to hear what they will say. You will be in many of our prayers as you make important life decisions. 48 is not have many talents and God willing, a long life ahead.

  17. I hope you can see from such an outpouring of support, that you truly are not alone. So many of us have walked down the same road you're walking down right now. With all these awesome sisters praying for you, something good is BOUND to happen! Never feel old and worn out. You are NOT old, rather, you're life has just begun! Many blessings and another prayer, Shine

  18. I will add you to my prayers today! God has everything happen for a reason. He will not give you anything you can not handle. With Him everything is possible. Don't forget!!!((Huggs!))

  19. We teach people how to treat us. I remind myself of this all the time. It's hard to stop and stand up for ourselves, but no one else is going to do it. You have an extremely intelligent person inside who's been mostly quiet. But I see glimpses of her poking her head out; she knows you are on the right path. She knows you deserve better. She knows your children and grandchildren need an example to show them what behavior is ok to accept, and what is absolutely not. Listen to her... she will guide you. Prayers to you!!

  20. So sorry I am reading this post a few days late. Oh my dear, emotional abuse is abuse. Plain and simple. No one should be allowed to do it - but sometimes a pattern starts and it seems impossible to break. But you can do it. You deserve more.

    I can tell by the way you speak about yourself that he has slowly chipped away at your self-confidence. It will come back as you break away and find yourself again.


  21. Wow! I had to check to make sure I did not write this! Thanks for sharing the down side of your life. Most blogs are all happy and everything is going fine. Nice to hear the other side because we ALL have down days. I totally understand what you were saying. I feel the same as you! I was wondering if anyone else feels/acts like I do, trying to please my husband, but never quite good enough. The way I explain it...I can have the whole house spotless, and he will only notice the toilet that didnt get cleaned! I can relate to how you feel.
    And old? arent even close! I am 54 and am starting to realize I need to do things for me. Why do we let others treat us like this? If I knew...I would share it. I am glad to know I am not the only who feels like this, but not happy to know there are others who have to deal with this. AND...I was looking for the "fat one in the peach shirt" but couldnt find you? Are you kidding me?! You look good, but I know why you feel you dont.
    Thank you for sharing! I will keep you and others in my prayers. I have started to read a book by Beth Moore titled "So Long Insecurity" but havent finished it yet. Sure hope it helps! Have a wonderful week!

  22. Oh my heart hurts for you. It does.

    I want you to know something...

    I blog about my Mr. AGPMan quite often and we've been very blessed to have a great marriage. BUT....that said, it's not a perfect marriage. We can both be stubborn and even a tad bit selfish at times. I believe good marriages can be great and great marriages can be even greater.

    But...if there is real abuse in your home I urge to to take care of yourself and your wounded heart. You are valued just because of WHO YOU ARE and deeply, desperately love by God.

    I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and lifting up prayer for you to the Most High. With Him EVERYTHING is possible.

    Love to you!Rebecca