Last night I wrote myself a fifteen page letter. I really pondered my life and thing's that have come about in my life, I am sad for so many reason's, but glad for so many.
I read so many blogs about true love, best friend's all their marriage, and I wonder what I have done wrong or maybe two people just cant make it no matter how hard they try.
I have tried very hard for so long that I dont care anymore about my so called marriage. The hurt just will not go away, and my husband will not give an inch, he will not get counseling, he blames me for all of our problem's(My PMS he say's) I have gotten counseling many time's and have to take an anti-depressant. My doctor's and counselor's all tell me I should leave my husband. What is wrong with me? I am so insecure, that now I have wasted my youth and the children are grown, except my handicapped boy's.I feel I have nothing. I have tried to not post such depressing post's, but tonight I am heart broke about my life decision's. Where do I go from here. I have an Attorney appt. Monday to get the divorce started.
Two tray's both unique but very different.
Two light fixture's showing light in different way's.
Two room's same layout but very different.
Life is bitter sweet for me today, I am so sorry for my down day.
I see so many beautiful blog's and I feel so uncapable to keep up or even be interesting, I have felt like this all of my entire married life. If I tried real hard it seemed to be shot down real quik. I am a lost soul. I know we need to part it's just such a feeling of failure on my part. Maybe this, maybe that, oh I dont know. We have alway's disagreed on everthing and he has alway's been the boss because I allowed it. He has said and done such mean thing's to me that I really am numb. Every time I get away from him, he come's begging back but it only take's a couple of week's and it is the same old nonesense. I am old now and my life is too short to be so upset all the time from his horrible remark's or comment's. Please forgive me for being a major downer!!This is the time in my life where my bounty should be full.Maybe if I had been more dressed like a lady, never swear, alway's have dinner prepared on time each evening. I was too busy taking trash to the dump, mowing lawn's,scrapping snow off the walk's, starting my own vehicle in below temperatures to provide a living for my family as my husband's work was and is so sparatic. He has a dergree in electronic engineering and wont use it because he cant spell (what a cop out) if I tried that one it wouldnt go to far. I wish I had a degree in somethig, now I will be 48 and no experience at any thing but people pleasing. Oh blah blah blah, I will shut up. Please forgive me!!!!
I live in gorgeous Utah below the Mountain's. I have five beautiful children all with their name starting with the letter D. I also have six wonderful grandchildren...love em all:)
I share a gorgeous home with my hub's and two son's (my hub's built the house we live in.)